When parents fight

Grant and I don’t fight. We barely ever raise our voices at each other. We bicker and argue like all couples, but it rarely escalates. So it was strange to find ourselves in a heated exchange this morning, but not altogether remarkable considering the cause: our children. Grant seems to think that we give them too much decision-making power in the house and that I tend to be too conciliatory and lenient. So when Cole came downstairs in shorts after being instructed to wear pants and Quinn was still wearing pants with holes in the knees after being instructed to wear non-holey pants and Carson was still in the same shirt as yesterday, I partially took my children’s side. What’s the big deal, right? For Grant, it was a matter of respect. He is tired of our children talking back to us and defying simple requests. In essence, he is tired of our house being run as a democracy. And he is right. Just this summer I completed one of the best parenting books I had ever read, Blessings of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self Reliant Children. The author, Wendy Mogel, addresses this very issue in her book, pointing out that many households today are run as democracies, leaving children overly empowered and parents frustrated. She makes a persuasive case that parents should reclaim the helm and give children more decision-making power as they earn it. She also has great sections on the overindulged, overscheduled, overprotected child, with a clear blueprint for how to mentor your children both spiritually and emotionally. I highly recommend the book.

But back to my life and my communication with Grant. While we were both very angry, we eventually got into a great discussion about our parenting, a much needed State of the Union on the Besser 2010 parenting plan. Clearly, today we were wildly off in terms of our communication and parenting. We sent our children the wrong message and Grant came off looking like the bad guy. I realized I had violated one of the most cardinal creeds of parenting: don't contradict your spouse (or at least hold your words until the kids are gone). Consistency is the foundation for all good parenting and my words were like a sledgehammer to that important footing. But at least it wasn't a fight over something critical to our children's lives and futures. We are hopefully working on getting our messaging right so that when the tsunamis of middle and high school hit us, we will have our parenting dikes and levies solid as fortresses.